i’m constantly torn between wanting to get better and wanting to just give the fuck up. restricting is just… so goddamn easy. seeing the weight peel off is thrilling, going to sleep on an empty stomach gives me a sickening type of rush. and some days i’ll listen to my body, i’ll eat when i’m hungry but at the end of the day i’ve only eaten 1000 calories, which is nowhere near enough, but forcing myself to eat more is just completely impossible. some days i am so ready to get better, to stop giving a shit about my weight but then i’ll catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror and suddenly i’m staring, suddenly my eyes are glued to my thighs boobs stomach arms, assessing if i’ve gained anything, often times convincing myself that i have and having to tear myself away from the mirror before i go apeshit and punch my reflection in the fucking face.
i just don’t know anymore. one day i’m all IMA BEAT THIS THING and the next i’m all lol no what the fuck am i saying, i can’t give this up, i can’t stop obsessing about food and weight because i simply do not know how.